Spoonman, come together with your hands
Save me, I’m together with your plan

— Christopher John Boyle

—

I’ve tried many running plans over the years. I suppose they’re all fine, if a bit redundant. Run, rest, race, blah blah blah. Yeah, I get it.

They’re all designed by earnest runners of varying degrees of expertise. Sure, I suppose runners know stuff about running and therefore could be fine coaches.

But I always wondered:

WHY AREN’T THERE ANY RUNNING PLANS THAT USE ROCK GUITARISTS AS COACHES?

After all, what do we listen to when we run? Rock. What are the trails in Arizona composed of? Rock. Who was the star in that awful jewel heist movie my wife made me watch last night? The Rock.

So what could be more perfect than a plan that features the guitarist for one of Seattle’s greatest grunge bands: Kim Thayil!!!

The Soundgarden Trifecta is my go-to playlist for hard runs. Badmotorfinger, Superunknown, Down on the Upside. Repeat as necessary. And it WILL be necessary.

I used to play a game called Ty Cobb Roulette, in which I would set out on a run with Soundgarden playing on shuffle. I would run until “Ty Cobb” came up. Sometimes five minutes, sometimes five hours. But always worth it. The perfect song to saw off parking meters by. Bonus: A hacksaw can be an effective weapon in a cow attack.

I recently came across a running app called Fit PA. The PA stands for Pugsley Addams, the precocious lad of Addams Family fame. That homage alone would have been enough for me to become a disciple. But as it turns out, one of the app’s creators plays guitar, and he had the brilliant idea to use guitarists as coaches. SOLD!!!

As luck would have it, I’ve been paired with Coach Kim Thayil, Soundgarden guitarist extraordinaire. Coincidence? Or magical garden gnomes left over from the Bloody Basin 100? Hard to tell. Gnomes are sneaky.

Downside: He knows NOTHING about running.

Upside: He knows EIGHT open tunings.

Life always seems to balance out just fine.

(Disclaimer: The app peeps don’t say that he’s THE rock god Kim Thayil. Officially, he’s just “Coach Kim.” But how many Kims are there in the world that aren’t crazy North Korean leaders or Kardashians? It MUST be him.)

I have a race on Dec. 28, and I’m using the app to create a plan to get me there. Coach Kim and I did the dance for a while about how many miles and back-to-back-to-back runs and weightlifting sessions and whether 25 miles a day every day in October is a good idea and zone 2 vs. quality and blah blah running stuff.

And then I mustered up the courage to ask THE question that would determine whether we would click as coach and runner:

What’s the best Soundarden song?

He came close to losing me. “Black Hole Sun.” zzzzzzz. Efficient but predictable. I began to doubt.

But then.

“Spoonman.” Possibly the greatest song ever written about a guy who plays spoons on the street. Possibly the ONLY song ever written about a guy who plays spoons on the street. We had bonded.

And so I’m setting set out on my journey. 21 weeks to oblivion. At least I’ll have a soundtrack to get me there. And a coach who said he “threw the idea of patterns and scales out the window” in his guitar playing. What’s not to love? Rules are for suckers. This philosophy will be perfect for the upcoming adventure.

Thanks, Ian and Carmen, for providing a coach who understands me. “I’m still an angry dude. I’m just older,” Mr. Thayil once said. That’s me as well.

Let’s do it, Coach Kim. I’m together with your plan. Spoons sold separately.

The Fit PA Fancy Pants Training Plan © starts tomorrow. Never doubt Pugsley Addams.